My “EMO” Musings

My Favorite Parts of the Graduation Event:

• Wearing the toga and walking around the campus with it

• Picture taking with my friends

• Picture taking with JV Casio (hooohooo!!!) and Japoy too!

• Transferring the tassel of my toga, signifying that i’m officially a graduate

• Singing the Alma Mater Hymn

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Graduation Thoughts and Thank Yous

Now i can finally say that it’s all over. The 3 perilous years i spent in the university marked primarily by sleepless nights over heaps of readings and dreadful recitations under Dr. Robles and Baquiran have finally reached culmination when i transferred the tassel of my academic cap from the right to other side, and shook the hands of Brother Armin. In retrospect, i really am amazed when i see how i managed to go through the entire thing still breathing. Who would have thought that i could  and would actually break through those what i thought were already the dead ends? Now i can only smile at them with relief realizing at last that surmounting those challenges is not impossible and that i can make it after all.

But of course, i am very very conscious that I never would have gone this far had it not been for the many people who walked side by side with me through it all. So let this entry be the avenue through which i express my heartfelt gratitude. I shall try my very best to remember them all.

-To Christ Jesus my Lord, who’s been my Guiding Light and Friend, my source of strength and hope and inspiration, the One live for, thank you very much from the  inmost parts of my being. This achievement is for you and your glory. Whatever i have become out of all these is my offering to you. I love You so much!

-To my beloved parents - i owe it all your love and hardwork that can never be equaled by anybody else.  I appreciate every sweat and blood that you’ve invested just to get me through all these. Rest assured that i will try my very best to make them all worth it. For the many times that you had to swallow your pride and suffer the shame of borrowing money just to finance my tuition, for the rest and comfort you did not have because you were thinking of me, THANK YOU very much!

-To my sister - For the inspiring talks we have had, for the monetary support you’ve given out of the little resources you had, also for the luxuries you could not have because i was still studying - thank you very much.

-To my aunts and uncles in both sides of the family - thank you for the generous financial support you have extended our family.

-To Bro Kervin - for the kind of Christian and servant of the Lord that i have become, thank you very much!

-To Brothers and Sisters in Christ - for making the testimony of loving one another a reality through the financial and moral support you have given my family, thank you very much!

-To Jay, Cams, Pipes, Angeli - I wouldnt have enjoyed my stay in the university had i not known you guys. For always treating me out, for my debts that you did not ask me to pay, for the lecture notes we have shared, for the grand times i had when we go kareoke-ing, for the friendship that sustained me throughout my stay in the university - than you very much!

-To all my ISE friends - Thank you very much!

-To the professors i have had - for the knowledge i have acquired for our classes and for the special consideration you have extended - thanks a lot.

If i have missed anybody, rest assured that i am equally sincerely grateful  for  everything thing that you have done. 
                                       

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Things I’ll Miss About the Life in the University

• Yuchengco CR

• Picture taking with Iya Villana

• Playing Soccer at the field

• The Spicy Chicken and Sisig in Animo Canteen

• Dining at Cellos

• The pigeon hole

• bloopers of the professors

• LEAP

• Kareoke-ing @ prov

• UAAP

• Calamares at Munch in EGI

• Lechon Kawali in Red Spoon
• Photocopying the readings

• Exclaiming “Animo La Salle!”

• Nice feet I’ve stared at, hehehe!

You Are My Hiding Place

(A hymn from church)

You are my hiding place

You always feel my heart with songs of deliverance

Whenever i am afraid, i will trust in You…

I will trust in You

Let the weak say I am strong in the strength of my Lord…

I should know that you, and even other "species" of your kind who can never reciprocate me, do not at the very least deserve that i devote a number of entries for you. But i obstinately do so anyway. Because somehow, this gives me the illusion that i am able to convey to you what my lips cannot utter, and thus reward myself at least of that relief.

(to be continued)

When our class was told that the reporting would be postponed to thursday and that will watch an anime instead, i got a bit dissapointed, not because i wanted the reporting to push through, but that i am never into cartoons. And so i thought the whole one and a half hour would again bore me to death. But i never knew that i’d step out of that room never the same again. The film has created in me an indelible imprint that made me view everything and everyone in an entirely different way.

Somehow i realized how fortunate i have always been. I’ve been  blessed with so many little beautiful things, but i’ve long failed to notice them, much less be thankful for them, because i’ve always focused on those that i do not have. There are so many simple things that i take for granted, while there are so many out there who would give everything they have just to have a taste of what i am blessed with. But i was ignorant to that. I have been so selfish to see that the things i depise could perhaps mean the whole world to somebody else. True, i may not have everything that i wanted, but it is equally true that there are things that i possess which i dont in the first place desrerve but are given me anyway.

I may have had my fair share of hard times, but i guess i’ve never really suffered enough for me to learn to value those which i have. But finally, through that anime we watched, my eyes were opened to the many simple and beautiful things i’m lavishly and graciously bestowed with. I realized, i have so many things to appreciate and be thankful to the Lord for. but going beyond all those, i also learned to be compassionate to those who are around me - the leprous old man by the san lorenzo ruiz church in ongpin, the mother and child beggar in front of mcdo along taft, the one-armed beggar by the vito cruz station, to our maids, and many more. This film has reminded me that the things i have are not for me alone to enjoy and spend. I was blessed that i myself be a blessing to someone else as i share.

I shall henceforth start to number the days, i’ll commence with today while i still have a few that remain. For soon enough, this folly of mine will end. I will not again behold your countentance, and its uncertain when i’d be granted another dear chance, or if i would ever be, to do so again. I will make the most out of every stolen glance i can get of you, coz on a day not very distant from today, you will never catch me turning my head to look at you again. Much as i wanted to make every fleeting encounter last, this is all that this kind fate has allowed: that once upon a time i’ve known you and you learned my name too, you smiled to me that unforgettable smile, which had stayed engraved in my memory since, as if that were any consolation at all. And even though i still hope that there’d be more to the expressive silence we both keep every milli-second that our eyes meet, on that fateful day, everything wouldnt matter anyway. Every potentiality would by then still be just a potentiality, every possibility still a possibility.

We were both told that things come and they do go. Relish those that have come while they are around, let go of those which can linger no longer. Sure, you did come. But you were one of those stars of the cosmos which are only meant to be gazed at from the mortals’ land. Ironically though, now that u’re leaving, how come the pain of letting go strikes as though you were ever my falling star?

I shall mark this day with an "x" on my calendar, and then another exes on the following days to come. I will ready myself for tomorrow will surely be more excruciating than today. Then soon enough, when that day comes, you will not even bid me goodbye, i will just watch you slowly disappear in the crowd.

Uhm, it’s just now that i got to continue this because i really couldnt think of any more people to address. I could even hardly reach ten when i was workin on the first half of this. but anyways, just to get this whole thing over with here goes the next half:

12. for the past 3years i’ve been active in the gospel season, it’s just now that i’ve encountered such new christians as you are. Keep it up. I shall be more than willing to be both your spiritual leader and friend. God speed!

13. Same as with #12, you guys amaze me! I sincerely hope you guys would grow in the faith and get to love the Lord even far better than i do. God speed!

14. I’m so proud of you seeing you progress like the way you’re doing now. I wouldnt want anybody else to take your place no matter how far better than you they may be. I’m proud of you just as you are.

15. You’re now my favorite player in the high school team, because you jump so high! hahahah!

16. Where art thou? You’ve not gone online since our last chat, and that was like when, ages ago? I’ve been checkin out for you in the chatroom…

17. Sigh, I really feel for you and i wish i know how to help you out with what you’re going through.

18. You’re now my favorite player in the la salle basketball team. I really got pissed with Rico Maierhoffer when i learned that he was paid to give away one of the games. (it was a rumor though.. but still, i got really pissed)

19. Utang na loob, please! i really cannot afford to flunk this course or any other subject.. my parents will kill me if i get delayed, i’m expected to graduate by the end of the school year on april…please, have mercy

20. Just look to Lord, He isnt done with you yet, you are a work in progress. Forget about your failures and weakness, He doesnt and will never condemn. He is faithful even if you arent. Look to Him.

This was adopted from my friend Camille, as i found it to have been an interesting thing to do. The names of those to whom these statements are addressed are not disclosed so as to prevent this from stirring up controversies among readers, like the way it did in camille’s blog, hahaha! It also bears noting that the persons addressed are not arranged by their significance or the closeness of my relationship with them; these are randomly arranged. Here goes…

1.) I may not know how to love you like the way i ought, but allow me at least to love you the best way i know how.

2.) I know i’m over you, i really am. but i’d have to admit that there was a slight tinge of pain when i found out that you now have a new boyfriend and that you’re happy with him. I still wish it was me.. but trust me, i’m over you..

3.) Sometimes i wish that the phone you’re using were mine.. well it was really to supposed to be mine.

4.) I still look for your face in the crowd, and i still wish we can hangout as friends…

5.) Thanks for the photocopies, the money you lent and have given, the notes for intlaw that you’re now working on. God, i couldnt imagine life in college without you.. Hope you get over your depression soon! thanks a lot!

6.) No, you arent the type that cant be loved by any guy, it’s just that those guys you had were assholes. Dont worry, he’ll come.. ikaw lang eh, ayaw mo kay mike-el eh.. boto na nga ako dun!

7.) If i had the power to become invisible i would follow you..

8.) and you… hahahah!

9.) I miss the way we laugh our hearts out like we just dont care…

10.) I think that you’d make a good best friend, but circumstances dont seem to permit…anyways, your pic on friendster was really nice.

11.) I’m sorry, i couldnt get myself used to what things are now, because somehow i still wish things would be like the way they were before..

(to be continued)

You’ve come and gone, but even then, i’m afraid it doesnt make any difference. It doesn’t matter whether you’re miles or inches away; if it’s the oceans or just the table that’s between us, because just the same, i can still feel the distance that stretches farther than the lightyears that separate this world from the constellations. I wish a tap on the shoulder can convince me about the distinction between one’s absence and presence, but it doesnt - you’re near yet so far. And either way, you’re still able to excruciate me like no one else can.

Although i have somehow anticipated this, i guess i just didnt expect this to hurt me this much. I have always been so used to what you you made me believe and feel, so now i am caught defenseless and vulnerable when alas, you’re treating me otherwise. Somehow, i can sense, perhaps no one else does, the detachedness you exude in every shot, and how i wish i was only making it all up. But the coldness, the indifference…  You may not tell me so directly, but somehow your actions have sent the message implicitly - that you have long shut me out of your world.

But dont worry, as i’ve always claimed, your friend is strong. I have grown to accept that which belongs to yeterday’s illusions and that which is real. As for us, what’s real is that the only ones we are left with are bits and pieces of what we used to have. I have given up on all attempts to bring them back together. I cannot and will not drag you back to those days because your coldness has conveyed to me that you are not willing. I am, but you are not. And i cant do anything bout that. After all, gone were all those days. I can only appreciate now your politeness, because even with just that, you have made me more than glad.

I will not be very truthful if i say that i no longer pine for the way things were like before. But what is of utmost importance to me now - and i’m willing to give up all chances of restoring the friendship if only i’d be secured of this - is your precious salvation. I pray, and it’s all i can do, that you believe that one Friend who can and will care for you better than i do and anyone else can. Yes, i can only entrust you to Him.

Prayer: "Make me love and not be reciprocated, care and not be remembered."

It shall be more daunting tonight as it had been when i first learned about it - the rendezvous. I’ll close my eyes tonight, unsure if i’d be better off opening them tomorrow to meet the day. For Tommorrow all questions shall finally meet their respective answers. Tomorrow, all uncertainties shall be confirmed on their own. (Fingers crossed)

(to be continued)